it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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