Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
