4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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