Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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