There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I am full of burrito and curiosity
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
