He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
