Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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