i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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