I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
