im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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