It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
