i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
