Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
