xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
