if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
