uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
