so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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