i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
