Cold hands, warm shart.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
