I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
