someone threw a dead crab at me
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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