If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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