I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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