Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
