is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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