i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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