at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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