I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
