Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
