those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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