finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
