That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
