So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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