just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
