i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
