My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
