I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
