Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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