So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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