I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sext me about skeletons
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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