totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
