There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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