Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
