This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I want a musical about memes.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
