mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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