I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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