My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
