i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
