my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
