the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
